Sometimes I feel like things from my past tend to pop up like weeds. I thought I had worked through it and then one day it’s right back at the forefront of my mind. It could be life circumstances or people put me there; other times things just seem to come to my mind. I am left questioning why and struggling because I feel like I’ve dealt with this before. As I’ve spent the last few years working on myself and deepening my relationship with God; I’m learning that it’s okay, I’m human and there can be many different reasons for things to resurface. Knowing I don’t have to be upset about such recurrences allows me the freedom to take a look at what’s going on under the surface and ask God to reveal what is my part and my next steps.

I find that as God shows me more of what’s going on in me, there seem to be recurring themes with why the past resurfaces which fall into the main categories of letting go, feelings and forgiveness or God peeling back another layer. When I desire to let something from the past go, I usually write it down and place it in my ‘let go and let God’ box as a physical act to remind my brain that I am handing it over to Him and trusting it to His care. However, there are certain things that I have put in there again and again and yet I seem to struggle to really release them. I know I need and want to let it go, yet try as I may, I just keep picking it back up. For me, this is a head/heart disconnect which usually boils down to regrets, lack of acceptance or even willingness. I find that the best thing I can do in these circumstances is to ask God to do for me what I cannot do for myself and keep asking. I put it in the God box as many times as it takes and ask for revelation if there is something I am not seeing.

As I am working through this process, I try to notice if there are any feelings that seem to rise up. I realize that I often have not allowed myself to feel or at the very least haven’t even realized what was going on with me. All of my feelings are real and while they may not be facts they are valid. The more I try to ignore them, just move on or push them away the bigger they become. As humans, God gave us feelings that are not to rule us and our behavior, but rather felt and offered to Him. I am learning that my God box can hold things as simple as anger, grief, frustration and fears. When I offer my feelings to Him in humility He doesn’t take them away, but rather sits with me and walks with me through them when I am ready, to be able to release them. If I am still struggling with recurring thoughts, perhaps there is an obedience issue that needs to be dealt with to put this part of my past truly behind me.

Freedom from those persistent thoughts, people and memories may be tied to forgiveness. If I am struggling with another, perhaps I am withholding forgiveness: maybe because I don’t want to let them off the hook or maybe because I just can’t seem to forgive either the act or the person. Harboring unforgiveness ties my heart and mind to the past, breeding resentment and bitterness. I find the previous steps useful by allowing myself to feel what I feel towards that person and then making the conscious choice to let go and let God and ask for His help in doing what I can’t seem to do for myself. If I am struggling with myself and what I have done I go to God in repentance and receive His forgiveness. It is funny how sometimes I can intellectually know that God has fully forgiven me, yet I can struggle to receive it. I walk around beating myself up over sins that were nailed to the cross with Christ. If the past that keeps coming up involves me, I find I may need to apologize to another person for my actions. When I go to someone in humility I realize that I can only show my regret and sorrow for what I have done, however, I cannot expect them to forgive me as they may need time and growth to be able to offer forgiveness.

The same can be true with me. Perhaps when I deal with things that are plaguing me, I handle what I have the capacity to deal with at the time and God is now desiring to take me deeper. Often I need maturity, or my heart needs preparation and perhaps a little softening before I can really deal with what is going on in me. As I grow in Christ, I know that I can face myself and the truth with more grace and patience for myself than I had before. God in His appropriate timing brings things to the surface that I need to deal with at a deeper level and is with me every step of the way.

Practice For Today

No matter the reason for my past to resurface, it is an opportunity for me to connect and grow deeper in my relationship with God. He knows my past and has allowed this to come to light to lovingly guide me through the depth of my feelings and the next steps to grow in freedom, but only if I am willing. It is up to me to choose to let go of the pain, memories, resentments and move into peace through acceptance and forgiveness. I will remember that healing is a journey not a destination. I pray that as things resurface from the past, I can have the courage and willingness to seek God and trust that even though it may not feel good, He can use this to deepen my faith and shape me more into the person He created me to be.

Psalm 23:1-3 ESV     The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Romans 8:28 LSB     And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to [His] purpose.