One thing I remember hearing early in my recovery journey was that acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. I have found that accepting myself and other people exactly as they are has been very freeing to me. I can be spontaneous and enjoy other people without trying to fix them, as well as have serenity in the momentary circumstances I am in. As I was reading the book Beyond Our Selves by Catherine Marshall, I gained a new insight that I still really struggle to accept God’s will for my life especially when it is something that is really hard for me that I don’t like. I thought that I had accepted that my one adult daughter wasn’t speaking to me and I guess I had in a way, just for today. However, I think that as the concept of it as God’s will, I was only resigned to it.

I think what really hit me was that true acceptance means I need to be willing to let go of what I desire most and have the Lord’s peace about it. I miss my daughter and speaking to her. I loved how we were growing closer and she would talk to me about stuff in her life. In fact, she was one of the first people where I practiced how to detach with love and that advice is best accepted when asked for. It has been about 10 months since she has spoken to me and I miss her dearly. I have been grieving that relationship loss and been working on accepting that she is not speaking to me. However, I still long to speak to her and am fearful it may not happen. I have realized that the things I long for the most are tied to my deepest fears. Until I am willing to face those fears and admit that I am scared I will never speak to her again, I cannot fully accept the possibility that this is God’s will for her life and mine and be at peace with it. Am I willing to die to my desire for love’s sake?

As I honestly look at myself, I can see that I have submitted myself to us not speaking, however I have not fully surrendered otherwise there would be no fear. God’s perfect love casts out fear and so I have only been resigned to the idea. I have been only accepting it day to day, which on one hand is good because God gives me enough strength for today, and I also need to be where I can just lay it at the foot of the cross because it is not in my day to day living of my life. I know my prayers for a restored relationship are heard by God and yet I find I struggle to trust. I realize that my resignation is a heart issue that says I am submitted to His will but I don’t like it. It is a place where I know intellectually His way is better and yet I’m like a toddler who doesn’t get their way. It is as if I’m holding a pity party saying, I know this is your will for me so I will tolerate it for today because I can’t do anything about it. With this heart posture I am closed off to the possibility of what God can do that is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. And so the door to my hope and heart slams shut and I find it difficult to even pray about it anymore because I so desperately want my prayer answered my way that I don’t even want to dare.

On the contrary, what I suddenly saw was that complete acceptance provides freedom and opens the door to what God can do. When I saw myself through this new lens of accepting versus resigning, I could see that while I did honestly believe that I had accepted it, my heart was not fully surrendered to God’s will. I still thought about what I could do to reach her, or fear of what if I move away and I never see her again, or she gets married and has kids and I don’t even know it. I spent thoughts on planning a solution and spinning the what if’s of an unknown future. Fully accepting the reality that I can do nothing to make her speak to me means that in both my thoughts and actions I can fully live my life today, praying but not belaboring over my problem. I choose to believe that God has a plan and I can trust in Him to carry out His good will even when I don’t see or feel it. I put my faith in Him, knowing my hope is alive in Him and that He works all things together for good.

In that moment of reading Catherine Marshall’s words I felt a conviction and had to ask forgiveness of my God for a lack of faith and trust. I knew I needed to model Jesus’ prayer before He was tried and crucified, of ‘not my will, but your will be done.’ So, I prayed a prayer of surrender, relinquishing my control, meddling ideas and plans. I told God, and meant it, that I truly wanted God’s will for me and my daughter more than my own, even if the journey she is on means never speaking to me again. As I talked to God and cried, I felt a wave of grief wash over me and then a peace and freedom I have not known in my relationship with her. I realized I loved her enough to completely set her free into Jesus’ arms and have hope for what only He can do. While it is still fresh, and I know some days over the long haul will be hard; my heart is full and I am at peace because I don’t know the path of her life, God loves her so much more than I ever could and I know He’s got her.

Practice For Today

I will take the time to look at my heart and ask God to search me. If there is an area of my life where I am only grinning and bearing it, I will look to see if possibly I am failing to accept the situation and God’s will for me. I will choose to take my circumstances directly to the Lord in surrender and relinquish my control. Where I struggle to trust, I will pray and ask others to pray along with me for complete acceptance and the courage to let it go into God’s hands and be okay with whatever happens because I trust He is good.

Romans 8:28 NASB95     And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Luke 22:42 NIV     “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”