As I am growing in taking ownership of my peace, joy, feelings, and happiness; I am once again struck by the thought that I did not see myself rightly. I had no idea how much I blamed others for what was going on in my life, refusing to accept that my life is what it is because of me. Concurrently, I would take ownership of feelings, actions and the responsibilities of others for which they are responsible for themselves. As God is growing me, I now see the reality that I was on this bizarre pendulum swinging between allowing others and circumstances to dictate how I experienced each day and at the same time having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others.

In my discovery of seeing myself and understanding my actions better, I find that blame was a subtle subversive part of my life that I was unaware was there. For me it was indicated by statements like she made me feel bad, he didn’t help me, or I had to do this for someone else. I have become aware that I often covertly blamed someone else for what was going on with me as if I had no choices. What I am seeing now is that by not choosing for myself what I wanted to do, not setting boundaries, not asking for help or taking offense to something someone else said; I was acting as a victim and allowing others power over me. Although I may not have said others were to blame, I was assigning blame by not taking the responsibility myself. While I offer myself grace for this learned behavior, I know that it no longer serves me well and I need to take ownership.

As I am learning to take agency, I realize that I have responsibilities to myself. For example, I can choose if I want to go somewhere or do something; and if I go and I don’t enjoy myself it is not the other person’s fault. After all, I chose to go and I can make a different choice next time. It is the same with someone who comments negatively about me, I can choose to not pick up the comment, perhaps notice if it’s a trigger and I don’t have to allow it to affect how I feel or see myself. Similarly, if I don’t have help it is most often because I haven’t asked for it. Also, when I feel overextended it is not because someone made me do something, it is usually because I didn’t feel like I could say no; which is not a them problem, it is a me problem. By taking ownership of my own thoughts, feelings and actions; I can see the many choices available to me which leaves me feeling empowered.

However, those feelings could end up squashed by my over responsibility to others. It is funny how I did not take ownership of my own life and choices and yet I would take on and allow others to claim my responsibility for them. As a follower of Christ, I am first responsible to God, then to others but not for others. When I am first responsible to God, I allow Him to fill me with compassion and empathy for others. I am aware of my words and actions to not hurt others and restraining my tongue to speak to others in a way that builds them up instead of tearing them down. From there, I cannot be responsible for how another person takes what I say. Sometimes my perspective and truth may be something others will find offensive. Jesus was always kind and compassionate, however, he did not aim to please people with His words. He always spoke the truth and allowed others to make their own choices. In the same way, the people around me are free to make their own choices. I cannot be responsible for taking care of other people or their actions and I need to remember that what others do speaks to them and their character, not mine.

I may long to help others and while serving others is something God commands us to do out of love and not obligation; He does not ask us to do for others what they can do for themselves.  Additionally, people often don’t want my help and if they do it is usually better received when they ask for what they need instead of me stepping on toes. I am also learning that sometimes help is not help, it is enabling. It is important that I do not take on the responsibility of others that prevents them from feeling the natural consequences of their choices and actions. Often, the repercussions we face are the best teachers for people to do things differently. Just like I am learning to take responsibility for my own life, it is important to not jump in and rescue. I need to allow others the dignity of living and taking responsibility for their own life. I also need to remember that not everything has someone or something to blame. Sometimes accidents just happen and even if there is it isn’t always important to assign responsibility. 

Today’s Reminder

I will take each moment of this day to be grateful, acknowledge I have choices and make ones that reflect what I would like my day to look like. I will be aware of my propensity to blame others for the things in my life for which I am responsible. In a similar fashion, I will not take on the duties and responsibilities of others. I will allow them to make their own decisions with dignity and strength, facing the results of their choices. I will pray for guidance and awareness where it is lacking, knowing that God will give me the strength I need when I need it, for seeking Him and His will for my life is my ultimate responsibility.

Galatians 6:4-5 AMP But each one must carefully scrutinize his own work [examining his actions, attitudes, and behavior], and then he can have the personal satisfaction and inner joy of doing something commendable without comparing himself to another. For every person will have to bear [with patience] his own burden [of faults and shortcomings for which he alone is responsible].