As I have been asking God to search my heart and show me anything that is not of Him, I am surprised over and over by the things that I was completely unaware of about myself. One of the things I have realized as of late is that I struggle with envy. I never saw myself as an envious person because I didn’t want another person’s stuff like their car or house and I didn’t desire to be rich or famous. However, God has shown me that what I have envied is far more subtle and insidious. I have coveted my neighbor’s ease of what seems to be a normal, peaceful, simple life. I have longed for people in my life to behave how I think that others act. I have wished I could fit in like others do so easily and often questioned why can’t I be more like another person. I have desired my relationships with my parents, spouse, children, etc. to look like what I see in other people’s relationships. In doing so I have compared my insides to other people’s outsides and struggled to find contentment and peace in this life God has given me.

The apostle Paul in his letter to the Philippians says that he has learned whatever situation that he is in to be content. I now see that while I never wanted someone else’s things, I did envy what I perceived their life to be, and therefore contentment has been out of reach. Ultimately, when I am longing for the ‘life’ of another, I am snubbing my nose at what God has given me. I am not accepting or being grateful for the life that I already have nor seeking God to help me find more peace and simplicity in my own life. I have not been loving towards myself and thankful for how God fearfully and wonderfully created me. Instead, I have focused on the fantasy of other people’s lives and taken my own life and relationships for granted. The reality is that in all of these things, I can’t be envious of another’s life and be thankful for my own at the same time. I am too busy looking around to foster a grateful heart and mind.

When I look at another’s life in desire, I cannot keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I am just waiting to be tripped up by challenges in my own life as I look at someone else’s circumstances. Hebrews 12 tells us to look to Jesus and run with endurance the race set before us; not the race set before someone else. I have been gifted my life and my set of circumstances; I need to stay in my lane and look to Jesus for guidance and direction. When I look outside myself and my life in envy, instead of looking to Jesus, I often end up down the wrong road, being resentful or feeling sorry for myself which leads me to being stuck. In my self-pity, I cannot take action because I cannot possibly know where Jesus is leading me. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus teaches that no one can serve two masters. This is exactly what I am trying to do by loving Jesus and yet longing for the life of another. I cannot look anywhere but at Jesus, thinking I am following Him when I envy what someone else has in their life, whether material or experiential,  and I cannot live my own life. 

Practice for Today

In coveting another’s life, I need to realize that my perception is not reality, I often envy and long for a life that isn’t even real. It is the life others want me to know, the life they present to the world, and the mask they wear. The enemy longs for me to take the bait and believe the lie. I must be willing to let go of the fantasy picture perfect life and my perception of others as well. For me, this is one of the reasons why I have chosen to not have any social media on my phone, as I know that it would be a huge distraction for me. It is a fence I have chosen to put in place that helps to keep me in my lane and my eyes fixed on Jesus. I created this boundary and then continue to ask God help me take the action steps listed in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: Rejoice always, pray continually and give thanks in every circumstance for this is the will of God.  One step at a time, one day at a time, keeping my gaze on Jesus and asking God to lead me knowing that envy and gratitude cannot live in the same heart.

Proverbs 14:30     A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

Ecclesiastes 4:4     Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man’s envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and a striving after the wind.