For as long as I can remember it seemed as though my feelings have ruled me and tossed me about like a boat adrift at sea. Just the other day after a lot of work in this area, I was alone with my thoughts and a flood of feelings suddenly overtook me and filled me with desperate sadness and intense anger that I couldn’t immediately pinpoint. Over the years, I have often felt like I was on a pendulum-type amusement park ride, swinging from one extreme to the other of elation to despair or happiness to anger; but had no real concept of my actual feelings. I longed to stay in the center where I felt at peace, yet I believed and often told others they had done something to make me feel my extreme emotions. I hated how I always felt I couldn’t control my feelings and that I could rarely, if ever, communicate those feelings in a way that created understanding from others. What I am learning now, is that perhaps I was longing for someone else to understand what I could not sort out nor comprehend myself.

I have often heard that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me and I have power over what I feel when others say hurtful things. While I really like the idea of those sentiments, I think I am learning that those things aren’t completely true. God’s word tells us that there is the power of life and death in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and the words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18). These verses help me to know the truth that what people say, including me, can bring hurt or healing to others. I have thoughts and feelings about what other people say, and sometimes may even be triggered by the words of another. My reaction may be completely different than how someone else would receive those exact same words, so our feelings are as unique and different as each of us and shaped by our personal stories. I am learning that my feelings and triggers typically come to me quickly and without ever asking my permission to be there. Maybe I cannot control the feelings that come in response to what others say and do, but I can choose what I do with them through self exploration with God.

I believe that God knows all of my feelings and He wants me to share them with Him, hold me through them, and grow in my understanding of them through self reflection; which I’ve learned is neither selfish nor self indulgent. When that all too familiar flood of feelings comes up and threatens to drown me and those close to me, I must be willing to go to the cross and lay them all down. I ask God to help me see what I am really feeling and why. Was I triggered? If so, what caused it? If I am feeling intense anger, why? I often find that what I think I am upset about often is not even what is really bothering me. Often, it is related to old baggage that I have never left behind, history that God desires to heal or a multitude of little things I have stacked. Many times my anger is actually hidden fear, my despair is really misplaced hope, and my triggers defensive responses to undealt with hurts from the past. Sometimes the feelings that come up are simply me feeling sorry for myself in an inability to accept the life that I have been given and be grateful for it. Perhaps my emotions reveal my humanity and are a gift from God that can connect me to Him and others and reveal places where more healing needs to be done.

In John 11:33-35, we see where Jesus feels the pain of Mary, Martha, and their friends at the death of their brother Lazarus and is moved by their weeping in their loss. It is here we find the shortest verse in the bible, which is John 11:35, Jesus wept. He feels what they feel and weeps with them, which is so comforting to know that whatever I am feeling Jesus feels it with me. He rejoices when I am rejoicing and mourns when I am mourning.  Some days I may be a lot and my flood of feelings difficult for others to deal with; however, Jesus understands when no one else can and will always sit with me in the uncomfortable pain of my overwhelming emotions, patiently waiting for me to offer them to Him. He holds me, He carries me, He listens to me, and He walks with me as I learn to invite Him in to help me understand and untangle my bird’s nest of emotions and then in God’s power I can walk forward with an awareness of my true feelings and self-control in my responses, which allows me the freedom to be there to connect and comfort others who are walking through their own pain.

Practice for Today

As God provides me self awareness of my feelings, I can allow Him to reveal parts of me and triggers I never have known and begin to experience the full range of emotions, not just the extremes. I can learn to better handle my emotions as I begin to know and understand my true feelings with God’s guidance and help and share them with a safe person who will help me process them. With these revelations, I see my motives more clearly and can choose to respond to my emotions in a way that doesn’t feel like a runaway freight train, a way I can feel good about. I will work to accept the tension of my hard feelings, not wishing them away or denying them, but allowing myself to feel and share so God can heal in His timing. I will experience the freedom of knowing my deepest feelings and allowing others to feel theirs without interference, sitting with them in their pain. Lastly, I will offer myself grace when that old flood of feelings comes and praise God that I now know what to do with them.

Proverbs 3:5-6     Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

John 11:33-35    When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.