This year, I read a devotional the day before Christmas that encouraged me to feel my feelings and accept the realities of my past experiences of the holiday season. Christmas is a time for celebrating the greatest gift ever given, Jesus, which can be filled with immense joy. At the same time, this season is a time of year that comes with a lot of expectations of ourselves and others that revolve around unrealistic hopes, what we think things should look like, comparisons of what we believe others’ holidays are like and often even the grief of loneliness or loss. As I thought about the holidays for me, I realized that like a lot of people, there is a tension between some beautiful memories and the grief of some hard ones. Maybe this was a time for me to take a stroll down memory lane and reflect on some of those more challenging memories to be able to experience this Christmas season a little differently.

I sat and allowed myself to relive a difficult Christmas when I was in the midst of acting crazy. It was my response to control the uncontrollable and dealing with the difficulties of a multiple family household with teenage children no longer wanting to go back and forth between homes. I was in a space where I felt like a failure in our home as both a Mom and a wife and that no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. Shame was what I carried over dinner that didn’t come out right, my children not wanting to live with their Mom and failing to have the perfect Christmas dinner I imagined. I was weary from trying to hold together our family, which was an impossible task and my refusal to let go was affecting everyone around me, including myself. I visualized parts of the day, allowing myself to feel all of the pain I felt in that moment. In acknowledging my feelings, I was able to begin some holiday healing and see things from a new perspective, noticing things I never was able to see before.

The first thing I really noticed is that while I thought I had moved on from that Christmas and other challenging holidays in my past, I really had left a part of me behind because I thought it was too painful to really sit in the memories. I was unable to find joy in this time of year and actually almost dreaded the time from Thanksgiving to New Years day. This year, I acknowledged how painful and how hard those times were for me. I admitted that I had always done the best that I could with what I had at the time and so had the people around me. As I continued to relive those painful moments, I was beginning to be able to accept the reality of the situation and everyone involved. I realized that my experience is exactly that and neither good nor bad, just what it is. By opening the doors of the dark holidays in the past, I was able to allow the light of Jesus to shine in and do what only He can do, the beginning of healing to find more joy in the present.

One of the things I was able to see about the present is that when part of me is stuck in the past, I spend time pining over what I do not have or more aptly who I am not with for the holidays. I was missing out on the present moments and the people in front of me because my soul was triggered by the events of the past. However, allowing myself to feel the pain of the past was a step of acceptance that allowed me to enjoy the people I was with this Christmas. On some level, it also allowed me to see how I’d been missing out on so much in everyday interactions with people I love. I could see how I had missed being grateful for my step-daughter and how kind she has been to me over the years. As well as, how I missed opportunities with my youngest because I was chasing the time and relationship with my kids from my first marriage and wanted the picture perfect holiday celebrations thinking then maybe they would want to be with me.

My longing for a Hallmark movie Christmas celebration was another big piece of the struggle. I was comparing my experiences to what media, both ‘the’ media and personal media, portray other’s holidays to be. These are expectations of myself and others around me that are based in fantasy and perfection, not reality. Which brings me back to part of the reason I was freaking out that Christmas eve I was allowing myself to relive; I wanted this picture perfect prime rib roast dinner so I could wow my family and they would want to be here. I was trying to make it good for my husband and meet up with restaurant standards for the middle 2 children and hoping our youngest daughter would have the enjoyment of a complete family Christmas. No wonder I could find no joy in the holidays. I was competing with others, attempting to please my family and live up to what I thought they wanted, which was some imaginary standard I created in my mind. In the meantime, my expectations created feelings of inadequacy in myself for not measuring up to my standard of perfection and brewed resentments towards others. I didn’t give them the gift of myself and a joy filled holiday home no matter what dinner looked like. I missed out on the moments that would have brought me the most joy, being in their presence. I praise God that today I can give myself grace that I always did the best I could with what I had at the time and also acknowledge things that God wants to work on in me.

Practice For Today

Today I will choose to remember that I cannot heal what I don’t feel, allowing myself to walk through even the darkest days. I trust that God can use those past moments in healing to make the present better, almost like it’s a gift. I will choose to live in the present, letting go of the past and have joy and gratitude for the people and things that are in front of me. Moving forward I will choose to let go of expectations of others, making plans that are dependent on reality, not fantasy.

John 14:27 NIV – Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Isaiah 43:18 NIV – “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.