I know that I have been taught many things about forgiveness at church, and at the beginning of my walk with Jesus, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I had some traumatic big things happen during my life that I needed to lay down, forgiving myself and others. I am grateful for learning things about forgiveness, such as: it is not a feeling, it is a choice to follow God’s word; it does not say that what happened is okay or requires me to restore a relationship with that person, and it brings me healing because by offering forgiveness, I am moving what happened from my hook to God’s hook and trusting Him to handle it. These ideas allowed me to forgive and move forward in my Christian walk for which I am grateful. However, as I have grown in my faith, I have noticed that sometimes it can be really hard to forgive and I may be holding a resentment for something or someone I already forgave. Also, as I ask God to search me, I am finding things I have been carrying that I didn’t even know I needed to forgive. I am beginning to think these original ideas I learned of forgiveness are only the tip of the iceberg and God is drawing me to a deeper understanding.

As I look up the definition of forgive, it says that it is to cease to feel resentment against and a couple synonyms are pardon and absolve. Which for me begs a couple questions: one, why do I still sometimes feel resentments, both for things I have already forgiven and things I didn’t even think there was something to forgive, and who am I to absolve or pardon anyone? So maybe, I need to take a step back and look at why I think I need to forgive myself or another person. I suppose that most often it is because I believe I’ve been wronged, hurt, or offended. Someone did something that I don’t think is right or good which has created an emotional response in me. For myself, it means I’ve gone against my code of conduct.  For others, I think it amounts to my expectations of another’s behavior, that they should follow some standard of living (typically my own), and maybe they crossed a boundary in my head that I haven’t even set. The point is that either way, I have to have made a judgment about the person or the action to feel the way I feel. In Matthew 7:1, Jesus tells us to judge not, for with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged. I think this is pretty clear, and without condemning what someone else has done, I have no need to forgive them; and yet we are told over and over to forgive in the bible and even to forgive 7×70 in Matthew 18, why?

I think it is because our Lord understands the human condition so well. He knows that we will pick up offenses and judge others in our righteousness. He is leading us to follow His example by offering forgiveness to others in humility, even when we think they don’t deserve it as it is not ours to decide. Calvary love brought Jesus to the cross in the ultimate sacrifice of once and for all forgiveness for all who would believe. As a Christian, If I am unwilling to give to others what has been freely given to me, it is the ultimate hypocrisy. I can’t justify it, I am then no different than the rest of the world. For a follower of Jesus, filled with His love, there is no room for an unforgiving attitude. It is both a privilege and a responsibility to pass it on to others even when I don’t feel like it. Yet it is not a gift I give to another, it is something I receive, allowing it to flow in and through me. So when I do forgive and that person or thing just keeps gnawing at me, I feel that pit in my stomach any time I think about it and I seem to bring it up over and over again; I am learning there is probably more work to do. Sometimes I have forgiven someone on an intellectual level in my head and yet my heart is still holding on, and sometimes I didn’t even know that I was carrying something to forgive. My self-awareness through God now allows me to see that the longer I hold on to something in my heart the more it becomes poisoned, filled with bitterness, resentment, blame, self-pity, keeping score, and maybe even thoughts of revenge. Over time, these feelings become heavier, never lighter, and I am soon enslaved to unforgiveness. The love of Jesus becomes squeezed out as I hold on day after day and year after year. But the good news is that I get to choose to forgive and set myself free.

I think that part of being able to make the choice to forgive revolves around my acceptance of life, myself and others. If I am able to accept myself where I was at when I made decisions that I carry with regret and pain; I would know that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. The same goes for others, if I accept another person where they are at in mind, body, and spirit; I will be able to let go of expectations of them, acknowledge that they are doing the best they can with what they have, and they are not me. This paves the way for me to forgive behavior that I find inexcusable and to let go of the hurt. I do not know another’s motives, intentions or everything about them and their past, so what I may find utterly crazy may be normal to them. When I am willing to look at others and dare to accept them as they are, maybe I will find that I don’t need to forgive them, I can instead love them as they are.

Practice for Today

Martin Luther King Jr. said, ‘Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.’ Today I will choose to remember that forgiveness is an attitude of a free forgiven heart that is tied to acceptance and love and is something wonderful I have the privilege of passing on. It is where the rubber meets the road of my faith and trust in God. I will choose to ask God to search my heart and show me anything that is not of Him. Whatever He reveals, I willingly will offer to Him and forgive, knowing the prisoner I set free is me! With my free heart I will ask God to help me judge less and accept more, realizing this will provide me with more of His peace as I find fewer things I think I ‘need’ to forgive.

Eph 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Matt 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.