Grief: A Pathway to Peace
I used to think that grief was something that only happened when people lost someone or something they loved. What I am learning now is that grief can be related to loss or change of any kind. While I do have many deep feelings surrounding my obvious losses; I find that in the moments where I feel most heavy, the grief I am carrying is more often related to the loss of hopes and ideals, broken dreams, lack of acceptance, or unmet expectations of both myself and others. Perhaps it boils down to a loss of my wants and desires or the death of my will that I so desperately cling to because I believe it will bring me peace, joy and happiness. Yet, Jesus tells me that I actually find those things walking through the grief I didn’t even know was there.
When my husband and I got married, we had both just gone through a difficult divorce. We had so many hopes and dreams of the life we would choose to make together. Something so much better than what had been and we committed to each other to never let life get in the way of the love we had for each other. At the beginning we did just that, through easy days and hard days, standing beside each other coming together as a unified front. We suffered through many excruciatingly hard things from loss of family to not knowing if we had enough to pay the bills or eat. After a very difficult personal loss, we found Jesus and got connected with a church. As hard as things were then, we seemed to handle it all pretty well together until we let life get in the way. Even though I know it was a slow process, it felt like we woke up one day and we were no longer a team. Instead, we seemed to be at odds about everything. We often disagreed and were fighting with our now teenage children. The more things changed the more I tried to force them to be my way. I spent most days white knuckling everyone and everything around me desperately trying to control what I could not. I was unwilling to let go of the picture in my mind of what I thought my family and my life should look like and it nearly destroyed me. Thank God, He had other plans.
About 3 ½ years ago, I reached my bottom. I felt like I was in a place of utter desperation with no desire to live or fight anymore and absolutely no hope even though I knew Jesus. It took everything I had in me to get up everyday and go through the motions. My hopes and dreams of a storybook life were destroyed. I was an absolute mess, felt completely alone and thought no one could understand, but God met me right where I was and knew exactly what I needed. He led me to a recovery group of people who understand me, where I feel like I belong and asked me to start a small group of ladies to share God and life with honestly. I have been challenged to my core by these amazing people to open my heart and take an honest look at myself and begin to grieve the loss of a picture perfect life.
I am slowly learning to let go of my death grip of what I wanted and accept my lot in life. I have grieved the fantasy of a perfect marriage learning what true unconditional love looks like and realizing that only God is perfect. We find perfection and completion in Him not in each other. I am learning to deal with the heartbreak that comes so easily with a blended family that no one could have ever prepared me to deal with and enjoy the relationships that I do have with all of our now adult children no matter what they look like. In the sorrow of unmet expectations, I am learning to accept that should and could create shame, condemnation and regret even in myself. The only expectation for me that is valid is to look to God’s promises of His presence, guidance and wisdom and that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Instead, I try to look with expectancy at what God may do in every circumstance. Each of these ideas has been a grieving process and has taken time, more time than I usually would like it to. I am still learning and grieving losses that I previously did not know, trusting God’s revelation and timing, not my own. I know this is something I never could have done myself. It has required my commitment of daily seeking Him and surrender sometimes moment by moment and people who have listened and sat with me in my pain. I am grateful that He has been with me every step of the way and has provided friends who have encouraged me, led me, and sometimes told me hard things I didn’t really want to hear. It has been His light shining through their honest sharing of their own failings and imperfections of how God helped them, led them and changed them that has allowed this change in me one day at a time.
Practice For Today
As I continue grieving my losses on my journey of life, I am experiencing the presence of the God of restoration who makes beauty from ashes. In opening my heart, He is transforming my perfect hopes and broken dreams on the pathway of grief. God has something so much better for my life than I could have ever imagined. He is rebuilding my life one day at a time by creating an understanding of His love that is more beautiful than I ever could have known. God is restoring relationships and dreams to not what they were but rather something new as I choose to die to myself. In my surrender today to His will and His way I find peace and joy even in the inevitable sorrows of life.
Isaiah 61:3 And provide for those who grieve in Zion–to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.