My explosions started as a teenager.  I would stomp around, yell, throw stuff, break stuff, swear, etc.  I was like a whistling tea kettle, just quietly doing my thing until the steam was strong enough to make the kettle scream.  I never knew why I had these outbursts, I really didn’t feel like I was angry. When the outbursts would come, I was in a rage, unable to control my emotions; everyone and everything in my path needed to get out of the way.

I think I always thought that the anger was because of things that were happening outside of me. If so and so didn’t do or say xyz then I wouldn’t be angry.  What I didn’t know is that  anger is a secondary emotion that is usually rooted in some other emotion like hurt, betrayal or injustice and I didn’t know how to handle it.  I think most people are never overtly taught how to deal with our anger; we typically learn to deal with it based upon what we saw in our family growing up.  Sometimes that can mean that we handle it exactly like our family did and sometimes that means we go completely the opposite way because we disliked what we saw in our family so much. For me, I learned that anger and all the other negative feelings are something you don’t need to show, you just jam them under the rug.  Keep the peace, keep up outward appearances and act like everything is fine until you just can’t take it anymore…then you explode.

That is exactly how I have handled anger and I never understood how the undercurrent of other unaddressed emotions was fueling the fire.  I would get upset about something and then I would think I moved on or forgave them.  I never knew that I hadn’t actually dealt with what I was thinking and feeling. I would pride myself in not being angry, and if someone asked if I was angry I would say that I was irritated, frustrated, maybe annoyed but never angry.  I never knew that everything I shoved under the rug started to come out sideways even before I would blow.  It came out in the way I talked, looked at and treated the person who was the object of my anger.  Things like sarcasm, contempt, disrespect, criticism, tone of voice, lack of eye contact or communication were some of the ways I dealt with those unresolved feelings. Even when I would explode,  all I ever did was let off some steam, I never actually dealt with what was under the rug.

Over time those unchecked feelings began to overtake my daily life. It seemed as though I was always angry. But, as I am learning about myself; I am learning to recognize and deal with all of my feelings including my anger. First, I had to learn to see the signs since I never even really knew what I was feeling.  I started noticing that I would have a physical response before I got really amped up.  But then I had to unravel the tangled web and look at why was I feeling this way.  When I first started looking it, was really hard for me to know why and it would often take a long time.  Over time I could identify it more quickly and I found that a lot of times my overwhelming emotions boiled down to my pride or my unmet, unspoken expectations of other people.

The beautiful part of being able to identify and work through those feelings is that now that I know what they are I can hand them over to God.  I could not hand over what I didn’t know was there. As I love and respect myself enough to acknowledge what I feel about something, I can ask God how to deal with those feelings.  Sometimes that means asking for what I need, or communicating an expectation, offering grace or forgiveness, telling someone I was really hurt by their actions; or sometimes it just means letting it go because I got mad about something really silly!  Either way, I can then allow myself to be free of the burden, the hard spots in my heart begin to soften and I can enjoy each day without the burden of unresolved anger weighing me down.

Practice for Today

Today I will notice when I start to feel the physical signs that indicate I am getting angry and ask God to reveal to me what is really going on.  If it is something I need to just let go I will do that and if it is something I need to talk about with someone else I will give it to God and ask Him to show me the way and wait on His timing.

Eph 4:25-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,  and give no opportunity to the devil 

Psalm 4:4 Don’t sin by letting anger control you.Think about it overnight and remain silent.