This past weekend was my birthday which normally passes without much hoopla. I don’t want a bunch of people wishing me happy birthday, or a big group of people over; I usually like to have a quiet relaxing day. However, this year I chose to make plans by planning to see a music and light show with my husband and putting together a group of friends to do an escape room, a shoe store trip and dinner. When one of my friends put ‘okay party girl’ on the text thread, it got me thinking about how much this was out of character for me. I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, I thought an escape room would be fun, which takes a group of people. My birthday gave me an ‘excuse’ to do things I wanted to do. I realized that somewhere along my journey of life, I forgot how to live, what I liked, and who I was; all the while waiting for others to plan or initiate things for me, frustrated when I didn’t do things I wanted to do. 

I know when I was a child that I knew what I liked and did things that I enjoyed, so what happened along the way? I think one thing is that growing up I slowly became a people pleaser. I never learned to have a voice, so I started to go with the flow of what others wanted or liked because I wanted their love, didn’t want to make waves, and didn’t want anyone upset with me. By just being agreeable with what others wanted, I avoided conflict and kept others seemingly happy. As a teen and young adult this continued to grow as my desire to fit in caused me to hide who I was and the things I enjoyed. In my first marriage, this path continued as I never felt like I could have my own opinion about anything so I didn’t speak up. The less I chose what I wanted, I think I started to forget how and what I liked. 

While not always doing or getting what I want is a part of healthy functioning relationships with others and simply a part of life because it’s not all about me; the problem here is really about denying the unique person that God has created me to be and the life He has given me. There is a tension between serving and giving to others and forgetting how to live my own life and losing myself completely. After getting remarried, when we first started going to church, I did choose to join groups and do ministry things I wanted to do. However, as time went on, there was a lot going on with the schedules of our kids and life started to get harder with the other households. The extra curricular activities of our 4 children kept us busy and it often seemed as though all I had time for was what everyone else had going on, however the truth is that I slowly learned to put everyone else’s wants and needs before my own.

Over time, I lost who I was and in the process a lot of inner turmoil grew. Soon what was originally a choice to keep quiet and not speak up became my standard mode of operation without even knowing it. I had an internal tension from making choices to put everyone else first, growing resentful and bitter along the way. I became more internally unsettled as I was not living out the path of life God had for me which includes enjoying the way He made me. I began to isolate myself and even making choices became difficult because I didn’t know me at all. I tried to keep the peace by doing for others, expecting others to make me happy by planning and doing things for me that I wanted to do. The problem was that I didn’t even know what I wanted. Finally, I reached a breaking point and knew I could not continue to live this way.

It was here at my lowest that Jesus met me on my journey as I cried out to Him to have mercy on me, just like the blind beggar on the road to Jericho in Luke 18. God led me to recovery to get to know Him and my faith in a way I never grasped before and begin to trust Him in every area of my life. I learned from those in my groups and the steps of recovery, to take one step at a time, one day at a time; what it looks like to let go and let God; and how to run the race set before me (Hebrews 12:1) and not anyone else’s journey. Jesus restored my vision to see myself honestly in love and humility and returned to me the joy of my salvation (Psalm 51:12). I began to learn things about me: both positive and negative and things I like and dislike, as well as the courage to have a voice to ask for things I want and need. Jesus opened my eyes to my beautiful value as a unique individual who is like no one else, and in doing so I am finding myself and learning to live again. I am filled with gratitude that I have made enough progress to choose to do and enjoy things without guilt and still see my need for growth in the area of not needing an excuse to make those plans. It has been a beautiful journey of beginning to live out my life in God’s will, which includes me learning to enjoy my life as He created me.

Practice For Today

I will choose to take the time today to be grateful that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I will remember that God created me to serve, and part of that service means attending to my own interests as well as those of others (Philippians 2:4). I will acknowledge that I have choices in doing things I enjoy and that I am not a victim of what others choose to do or not do. I will remind myself that He longs for me to enjoy the life He has given me, not just endure it. The enjoyment I find in life will provide strength for the hard days. I will continue to ask Jesus to restore my sight where I am blind and follow Him as He opens my eyes. I will choose to take the time out of my busy schedule to acknowledge and plan things that bring me joy and I will glorify Him in the process.

Ecclesiastes 8:15 NIV     So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

Proverbs 17:22 NIV     A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.