Let It Begin With Me
As I look at the people around me, it is very easy for me to make a list of things I wish they would be or do. Often this can revolve around the people closest to me with a desire for better communication, courtesy, not picking up offenses, or maybe their full attention. Sometimes I wish people who are friends would call me more or invite me to do things with them. Other times I have agitation with complete strangers and their behavior. Simply put, I often spend time in my head with wishful thoughts of how others should behave, specifically towards me. But perhaps I don’t invite into my life the things I desire because I’m not offering to others what I want most. Maybe this is an opportunity to look at myself, and give to everyone around me the expressions of love that I long to be given to me and go first.
I think that for me it really starts in my thought life. As I have critical thoughts about others’ behavior I don’t like and want them to do what I think they ‘should’, I am entertaining a form of discontentment. No relationship or situation I am in has ever improved by my mental criticism. In fact, I am usually more frustrated and resentful, which over time can leave me bitter. I often pray for God to set a guard over my mouth and keep watch over the door of my lips (Psalm 141:3). While I do need His help in taming my tongue, I also need His help in transforming my thought life. If I am full of criticism, my attitude will come out in my actions, tone of voice, facial expressions or gestures no matter how much I keep my mouth shut. I must allow God to root out my critical spirit and begin to shape me so others see the love of Jesus in how I interact with them. I can let it begin with me by having a willing spirit to allow God to transform me as only He can do. Then in humility with a clean heart, I can begin to apply the list of the things I desire and the list of criticisms to myself with God’s love.
As I apply these things to my life, I have a great list of things I can ask God in His will and timing to work on in me. I have goals for actions that better reflect the heart of Jesus, and a mirror to see my own shortcomings which I can then offer to God. It is a slow and often painful process, but the fruit is much more self awareness of my own behavior that I am not always proud of, the ability to apologize for the pain I have caused another and sometimes triggers or blocks I didn’t know were there. I’m just walking one day at a time, opening my heart and mind to God and His will for my life by being willing to look at myself honestly and let him show me my heart and anxious thoughts. Over time I am gaining awareness and getting to see changes in myself that I know are only possible because of God.
I experienced one of those keen awareness moments about a week or so ago. My husband came to me trying to express his frustration with me over a situation that had happened the week before. I felt like he had picked up an offense, as I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with the project I was working on. We struggled with understanding each other and the conversation escalated. We each matched the other’s increasing energy until my husband said we needed to be done talking about it for the night. Suddenly, I was off the rails and acting like a caged lion, but I didn’t know why. At some point, he said something about this is why we can’t have a conversation because it turns into an argument. By the grace of God I heard something in that and stopped talking and got ready for bed. I knew I had been triggered but had no idea why, so I went to bed and prayed, asking God to show me. When I woke up in the morning, God showed me I have a fear of abandonment I never knew was there and things in my life that have contributed to that fear. While I now knew why I was triggered, I also knew I needed to apologize for my behavior, so I did. I let it begin with me and now with my new awareness of my abandonment fear, I have a great thing to bring to God’s feet and allow Him to show me where it drives my thoughts, motives, and actions.
Practice for Today
As I look to Jesus, I am grateful that He didn’t wait for me or anyone else to admit our sinfulness before He died on the cross in the ultimate example of love goes first. Maybe as I entertain thoughts of others’ behavior, I can follow Jesus and let it begin with me by opening my heart and mind to learn more about myself so I become more of the person I would want to have in my own life. I can allow Jesus’ love to permeate my soul and love others as He has loved me first.
Luke 6:45b For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
1 Peter 3:8-11 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it.