As an introvert, walking into a room filled with people can feel intimidating and bring out fears and insecurities about not fitting in. Before working on myself and growing in my awareness and acceptance of who I am, I would often look around the room with feelings of inadequacy. I would see most people involved in conversation with others and question why I seemed to always stand by myself. If I tried to join a group of people talking, I usually just stood there, not part of the conversation. It was as if I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, longing to fit in and feel worthwhile by being like everyone else. While this is just one insecurity of many that used to run much of my behavior; today they don’t rule me. I can see them and be aware they are there, but I know they don’t define me. I have God working in and through me to thank for that awareness which allowed me to begin to see myself through His eyes.

When I began the process of recovery, I had very little self esteem which was fueled by my many insecurities and constant berating of myself. I was seeking perfection in everything I did and anything less than was not okay. In my self-criticism, I seemed to find nothing I did good enough and was only pleased when I accomplished everything I wanted to perfection, others noticed and commented on how nice of a job I did or how well I fit into a group and what people thought of me. I doubted myself and spoke negativity and over myself and everyone else and as I fueled my insecurities they grew in size. I became critical of everyone and everything, including myself. Over time my self-esteem plummeted, so by the time I reached recovery I felt like a speck worthy of nothing, feeling hopeless.

Once I began working the steps, I could clearly see how my life was out of control and how I handed over the power of my life and happiness to things and people outside of myself. I had to come to a place where I was willing to acknowledge that God was the only one who could right my life. While I believed in God and had Him in my life, He definitely was not at the center of my life. As a people pleaser seeking external validation, I often did things to gain the applause and approval of others. While I lived my life praying, having daily quiet time, going to church and worshipping Him; I had not surrendered myself to Him completely. I was holding onto control and unwilling to trust Him completely and trying to manage all the parts of my life, failing miserably. I came to the place where I could see it and made a conscious decision to turn my will and my life over to Him. While I had surrendered my life to Jesus before, I still tried to hang on to control. I had to be willing to see that and all the other things that ruled my life, so with God I began that in-depth search of myself.

Working on my personal inventory, I began to see all of myself, including my personal assets and liabilities. I began to see myself as God had created me, imperfections and all. It was okay that I had character defects, we all do; it is part of being human and part of our need for a gracious and loving God.  As I learned to accept my limitations, I could more easily accept imperfections in other people as well. My flaws and imperfections are part of my complete beauty, so I don’t need to feel insecure about them, just like not fitting in with other people. Through my weaknesses and failings God’s strength can shine to others.

While I do have many limitations, I know that God doesn’t make junk; Psalm 139:14 tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When I allowed God to search me and worked through my inventory, I learned about my God given strengths and began to believe I am enough because of the One who created me. I can see I have things I am good at doing, skills I bring to the table and rest in that I am God’s beautiful handiwork. With each acknowledgement of my personal value and strengths, I find I can better let go of what I am not. As I begin to rest in who I am, I find myself more at peace and my insecurities begin to fade into the background and my self-esteem can grow because I can rest in the one who made me. I know who and whose I am!

Practice for Today

As I begin this day, I will choose to surrender to God and His will. I will allow the light of His love to shine on my self-doubt and insecurities, and know that my self-worth grows through acceptance of myself exactly as I am. I will choose to believe in myself, knowing that I am someone because of the God who created me. 

“It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.” Abraham Lincoln

Psalm 139:14 NIV     I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV     But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.