On Mother’s Day, my experience with my 4 adult children varied. While the oldest called me in the morning on her way to work, I didn’t hear from the middle two, and my youngest daughter spent the day with me, attending church, planting flowers, and cooking dinner. That evening, I found myself starting to go down the well worn path of feeling sorry for myself because of my two children that did not reach out. I began focusing on them, playing the martyr that has done so much and no one ever notices or cares. I was starting to spiral like I had done so many times before, minimizing the beautiful day it was and my children who did take the time to show me their love and appreciation on that day. Thankfully, I was able to notice it happening and take action.

That day I saw that self-pity brings misery and blinds me to the joy and blessings that do exist in my life. When I am feeling sorry for myself, my eyes are not fixed on Jesus, but rather on what I believe is lacking. I tend to make assumptions and find it hard to accept people and circumstances. My self-pity breeds a sense of entitlement and bitterness that isolates me from God and others because I judge based on my limited understanding. I become unable to display the love of God because all anyone can see is my complaining and dissatisfaction with everyone and everything. Thankfully, God is showing me how to combat this self-indulgent attitude with the medicine of gratitude and acceptance. 

The gift of gratitude has slowly been melting my heart as I have been seeking things to be grateful for every day. I have been asking God to search me and show me the things I need to allow Him to work on in me and that day I was able to feel myself start to spin and pivot by making a mental shift. I took a moment to stop and pray and think about how nice it was that our oldest took the time to wish me, her step-mom, a happy Mother’s Day. Also, I saw how generous it was of our youngest to spend time with me,offer to make dinner and the enjoyable time we had together. I realize that if I hadn’t noticed where my mind was starting to go, I could have very easily allowed self-pity to consume me and been stuck on the pity-pot saying woe is me. I would have missed out on appreciating the wonderful gifts I was given.

In addition to being able to enjoy my blessings, I was also able to look at my middle children and the circumstances with acceptance and understanding. They are both in their early twenties and I thought about myself at that age and what was important to me. They are simply living their own life and doing the best they can with what they have right now. My perspective kept me from picking up offenses and holding any resentments towards them which allowed me the freedom to fully embrace and enjoy the day, spending quality time with our youngest. The lens of acceptance allows me to appreciate others exactly as they are, including my adult children, without making everything about me. I can give others the dignity of living their own life and in doing so I get to live my own. 

I thank God for that day and all that He had planned, as well as the self-awareness He’s given me to be able to see myself rightly in real time and consciously choose to shift my focus which allows me to live and act in a way that honors God, myself and the people around me.

Practice for Today

Life is a mix of challenging and easy days, but how I perceive them is key. Sometimes, it feels like the difficult days outweigh the easy ones, but that’s a matter of perspective. I have the power to choose what I focus on. When I dwell on hardships, they become magnified and I mentally diminish my blessings from God. This is when I am likely to plop down on the pity pot and start to feel sorry for myself, which is unproductive and usually harmful to my mental health and relationships. While I can’t seem to find the word “self-pity” anywhere in the Bible, I know it is not God’s will for me, as it puts the focus on what I want and keeps me from accepting my circumstances and loving others. As Oswald Chambers said, “No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests.”

Psalm 139: 23-24     Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

2 Corinthians 10:5b   Take every thought captive to obey Christ