I am a person who loves to save all of the handouts and my notes from small groups, conferences, retreats, bible studies, classes, sermons etc. Invariably, this means that I end up keeping papers from these events that are scattered around the house as I don’t have a great way to keep them organized. Yesterday, as I was going through a stack of papers, I found these papers from a teaching at a mom’s group that was about 13 years ago. Often, when I see printed information sheets with my handwritten notes, it will jog my memory of the teaching and the things I was hearing and learning. As I look at these papers, I know I was there because of my handwritten notes; however, I do not remember it at all. As I look at the information in front of me, I can’t help but think a lot of it sounds like what I have been learning in recovery. This is so interesting to me and the only thing that seems to make any sense about why I have no recollection of this is because when I heard it before, I simply wasn’t ready.

As much as I am a voracious consumer of information and would love to believe that I am always learning from what I am hearing or reading; the fact is that there is so much space for me to grow, I couldn’t possibly learn it all at once. In my walk with God on the road of recovery, I find that there are so many layers to peel back and work on that I could not possibly handle it all at one time, I just don’t have the capacity. I may need to peel back one layer to reveal another layer of what needs to be handed over to him and worked on or through. Sometimes I may need to take another look at something I think I’ve already dealt with and go deeper. God knows what is best for me and as I am willing He works on what needs to be addressed next. Each place He heals in me opens my eyes and provides freedom to work on the next thing. 

Another reason I may not hear or see what is in front of me is that I am blinded by my pride which blocks my ability to see things in myself where I need work. For me a big indicator that I am avoiding my own crap is when I read or hear new things, I am thinking more about other people I think it applies to or need to hear it, rather than listening for myself to learn. My heart needs to be willing to honestly look at myself and ask God to show me how it applies to me even if I don’t think it does. It is easy for me to be complacent and not dig deeper, however if I want to continue to grow I need to ask God what He wants to show me and be willing to see myself rightly from His perspective. He will not force me, so while He puts me in place to hear a message, I must humble myself enough to be able to accept the truth about myself and then apply and learn it in surrender allowing God to work on me.

I also feel like some things that I hear and are taught are simply seeds God inserts on my path of life to be watered and grown at some later date. Maybe what I am hearing requires an action I am not ready to take, but the seed has been planted. I forget completely what I heard and move on with my life walking with God. Some time later, God speaks the same idea to me through a message, a devotional, a friend and the seed is replanted. I think this is what happened to me in this instance, that I was not ready to either see it in myself or take action when I first heard this message about how I treat others based on what I believe about them. God has placed that message in front of me again and again and at the appropriate time I was ready, willing and able to hear and do something different. It is one thing for me to learn something intellectually, another to become aware and accept it and another to be willing and ready to take action. I believe that God will continue to work on me until I grow and learn what I need to and become willing to take the action He is leading me towards.

I believe that in God’s perfect timing He will bring to me what I need to hear at the exact right time, even if I don’t remember. I know that I can be a hard nut to crack, so I may need to hear something multiple times before I can see it and apply it to my life or take action from what I am learning. I have many things I need to work on and I am grateful that God continues to prepare me and place things in front of me as He sees fit. He is not finished with me yet; as I am ready and willing He works on me one layer at a time, one day at a time and one step at time with Jesus by my side.

Practice For Today

I will afford myself grace when I realize that I have heard something before and know that I am struggling to hear, accept or do anything about it because I am not ready. I know that as long as I seek Him, He will continue to work on those things in me, patiently waiting for me to be open to take the next step. When I hear others in my life repeat the same things over and over, walking down the same defeating path; I will offer them the same grace and patience I am affording myself. While it may be easy for me to see an appropriate solution for them; it is so much easier when I am not emotionally involved. Perhaps, just like me, they are not ready!

Philippians 1:6 NIV     being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 4:2 NIV     Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.