It’s been quite some time since I’ve written here, probably over 250 days which is crazy to think about as I write it. I have intended to do this for a while and yet somehow I just couldn’t get here. I’d like to use the excuse that I’ve been too busy, however the truth is I haven’t prioritized it and there is a part of me that has really struggled to build structure and order to our new home. Moving across the country has been more difficult than I could ever have imagined. I have to remind myself that when we made the decision to move, it was a plan for what we believed was a more secure future. Yet, I could never have surveyed the cost, everything is different here and there are so many things that I miss from our old home. I had no idea how much I was choosing to walk away from and how much grief would be involved. Yet, I am learning and adjusting day by day and some days are better than others. As I was talking with a wise friend, she emphasized the grief I am going through and summed it up so well, she said ‘You’re learning a new way to live.’

As I look at the past few months, I acknowledge that God has been with me every step of the way. At the beginning, I felt like I was just trying to keep my head above water every day. I had no idea I was dealing with grief at all. I needed to use my map app and directions every place I went. It was exhausting not knowing where anything was located and trying to find places to regularly shop, as well as things such as a chiropractor and a church. At the same time, we were dealing with so much stuff in the house that needed to be done and Lowe’s was my home away from home. I felt like a fish out of water, flopping around. Many days I questioned whether moving and buying this house was the stupidest thing I have ever done. Yet, here I was at a crossroad. I could either choose to question whether we ever should have moved and be a victim of the choice we made; or, I could accept it and allow God to lead me in what’s next.

In moving forward, I had to move backward and allow myself to feel the weight of all I had lost in this move. I asked God to open my eyes to see how many things I really missed from our old home. I missed my friends, the familiarity of knowing where to go to buy specific items and driving everywhere with ease mostly on autopilot. I had to be willing to admit things to be grateful and thankful for that I had truly taken for granted. I realized that I had never really processed it had taken me years to find my friends and the places I regularly shopped or used for services like massage. I keep a daily gratitude journal, so I was surprised at the number of small blessings I was completely unaware of. I even found that some of the things I thought were a weight were actually a gift. I often thought of the song lyric you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. 

At the same time, I needed the awareness of where I was stuck to begin to live life here. I moved across the country when I was much younger and I didn’t remember it being this hard or difficult. Maybe the difference is partially because of my age, after all our lives are often much simpler when we are younger. Yet, as I have been talking to God over the past few months I think it’s more than that. The other morning, I felt this nudge about my perspective, after all so much depends on my own thoughts and attitudes. Last night I read this quote from Sir John Lubbock which really hit me: “What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” I have the choice to look at my new life here as a burden or an adventure where everyday I can look with expectancy to what God has in store.

I am learning a new way to live; in a new place, meeting new people, making our new house our home. Is that really any different than any other time in my life? It’s just in a lot of areas at once. With every life change like a job, people moving, death and even small things like the seasons changing; I have to adapt to living a new way. Why do I fight it so much? After all, God uses all things together for His good(Romans 8:28) and He is with us in every season(Ecc 3:1). The real question for me is do I trust Him? He has purpose for me here and when I cling to Him, fixing my eyes on Jesus, I can enjoy the moments of this journey each day and let Him show me a new way to live. Life is a grand adventure, will I choose to see it that way?

Rom 8:28 LSB     And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to [His] purpose.